It's like God shit irony all over that family
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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