He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
