I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize