You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
