i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
