Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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