I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Two words: blizzard sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
