After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
