so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
