every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
