Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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