i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I want a musical about memes.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
