I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
