OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
