She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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