i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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