Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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