Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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