ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I can't turn off my feet"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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