On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
