just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
