Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Houston, we have a squirter
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
