Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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