there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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