I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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