Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
