youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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