Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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