ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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