Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
