Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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