if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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