I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize