I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize