If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
