dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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