i think my mom watched the whole time
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
