remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
