I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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