I'm eating all of the evidence.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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