She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
porn star boner night. come get it.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
