I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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