we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
