Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
