Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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