I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
