im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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