just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
