I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Farmville is her only friend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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