Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I didn't notice because vodka
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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