Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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