I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Bring me that man meat
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
