Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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