Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
