I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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