Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
