The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize