go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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