I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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