I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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