If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
