Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
