Plan B is the new Plan A
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
