I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
