Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
