he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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