Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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