Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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