i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
