Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
