I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
