The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize