She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
