I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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